A few years ago, my Good Wife and I traveled out of state to attend a friend’s funeral. After the service, we went to the family home for a reception, where we were seated at a table with a nice couple, the husband of which was a retired U.S. Army general. When time came for the dessert course, we rose to proceed to the smorgasbord of delicacies.
The general’s wife declined to go with us, saying that she had been trying to lose weight, a venture that had not been going well for her. When we returned to the table, I was reluctant to comment on the desserts, as she had chosen not to partake of any of them. She volunteered that she had tried several of the popular diet plans, but none had worked for her. She mentioned Adkins, South Beach and others, all of which had left her disappointed.
This lady was by no means obese, but reverting to the lingo of my childhood, she might be termed to be “a little bit plump.” I asked if she had tried the “Hull Weight Loss Program,” and she replied that she was unfamiliar with it. I told her it was the only plan that would guarantee weight loss, without strings or conditions. She excitedly said, “Please tell me about it.”
I told her that the essence of the plan consisted in rigorous exercise of the triceps muscles three times a day. Obviously not having been a biology major, she asked where the triceps muscles were located. I told her that they are the complementary muscles to the biceps, and that weight gain could be attributed to excessive use of the biceps. She asked me to explain in greater detail.
I then described the average daily use of one’s muscles in the forearms. I noted that the biceps were the root of the problem with weight gain, whereas the triceps were the relief team that comes in to reverse the damage caused by the biceps. I emphasized that the ritualistic practice of exercise must be followed three times a day without fail. Nothing about the program is optional. She asked me to explain in even greater detail.
I said that inasmuch as one sits at the dining table three times a day, and the urge to have extra helpings takes over one’s psyche, the triceps must be called into action to push oneself away from the table. Weight gain ensues when one uses the biceps to pull one closer to the table. I noted that when a person is on a diet, fads rarely work, but rather hard and fast determination do, and the key to that progress is to allow the triceps to push the dieter away from the table.
The dear lady seemed crestfallen, but I told her not to abandon hope, and that given her slightly overweight status, she should have no difficulty following this regime that would cost her nothing. By that time, I had finished consuming the scrumptious pastries, assorted petit fours and cookies, all of which served as a reminder that indeed I was not following my own advice.
The general was more supportive of what I had recounted. He remarked that across the years he had been telling his wife either to do something about her weight or to stop talking about it. He concluded by saying, “This is what I have been telling you for a long time.”
I am not a dietician, but I have found that when I want to slim down, the only truly helpful practice is to exercise my triceps. They always come through for me, and I hope the same now can be said for the dear lady at the table with us.
