by Ginger Philbrick
I have an acquaintance who I think wants to be my friend. But she continually asks very personal questions that embarrass me and sometimes leave me speechless. I think she feels if she asks questions of an intimate nature it will make us more intimate. No way! I wonder how you would handle such a situation.
VSP, White Stone
Dear VSP, it sounds as though your acquaintance certainly does not want to offend you but in trying to get closer is actually pushing you away. Tell her how you feel! Most relationships have boundaries and, for healthy and enjoyable ones, we need to let others know what those boundaries are if they cross them. You could do that in a non-confrontive way by simply responding, “That’s a private matter and I’d rather not talk about it.” Or you could make light of it by saying “Oh, I can’t let you know all of my secrets!”
In this day when there is very little, if anything, left to the imagination of the reader or viewer, many of the conversational tabus of our ancestors have been tossed aside and replaced by what can be less sensitive, even offensive communication. However, that doesn’t mean such casual consideration of others’ feelings is socially acceptable. It is never polite to overstep the boundaries of good taste.
Although we may mean well and be genuinely interested in what is going on in another’s life, it is rude to ask them: how much they weigh; why they don’t drink alcohol; why their spouse isn’t with them at the event; why they are divorced; if they have had cosmetic surgery; how their sex life is going; why they aren’t married; why they don’t have children, or have so many children; how their business or personal finances are; or why they have so many medical appointments. The list of indelicate inquiries is even longer, but common sense should guide us in avoiding them.
One of my favorite questionable questions was asked by the preschool age daughter of Carol Burnett. The child had been caught in a lie, and her Mom sat her down and lovingly explained about the importance of telling the truth. As she continued to talk, Burnett was impressed by the rapt attention her daughter was giving her. When she felt she had made her point, Burnett asked, “Do you have any questions, honey?” “Yes, Mommy” came the reply, “Why do you have such big teeth?”
Ginger Philbrick is the owner of Because You Are Polite LLC. You are invited to email your manners questions to her and she will respond as time and space allow. You may contact her at youarepolite1@gmail.com.
