by Ginger Philbrick
Last night, my husband and I were at a dinner party of 12 people, most of whom I was meeting for the first time, and the topic of table manners came up. My husband, who is a lot more comfortable in large groups than I am, laughingly said that my manners are so poor that I am dangerous with a knife and fork.
I tried to seem like I enjoyed the joke, but my feelings were hurt. He has criticized me in public before, and I don’t know how to bring my feelings up to him in a way that won’t start a big argument. Is there a good way to handle this?
Waiting in Weems
Dear Waiting, you are not the first to write telling me you have been criticized publicly, and I empathize with your hurt and embarrassment. One of the first rules of etiquette is to avoid calling attention to another’s faults in front of others. It rarely solves the problem and, in fact, often adds to it.
Public admonishment, whether said with a laugh or with anger, is humiliating to everyone who is present. The complainer is seen as insensitive and the one being reprimanded is seen as pitiable, at least in those moments. It is embarrassing for others who are there to be witnesses to the berating.
Revisit the event with your husband now that time has, I hope, cooled emotions. Say something such as, “Paul, when you have something you want to say that might embarrass me, please wait until we are alone. I want us to be able to talk about what upsets us, but other people feel uncomfortable having to be part of it. And making me feel bad isn’t the way to solve it.”
Getting back to your husband’s declaration of fear of being wounded by your cutlery, there are many books and other media sources that are helpful for a brush up on proper table manners. Also, Because You Are Polite LLC (see contact below) would be happy to offer assistance.
For the time being, the biggest and least productive errors you can make when using your utensils are employing your fork to punctuate what you are saying, and trying to eat your peas with your knife.
Ginger Philbrick is the owner of Because You Are Polite LLC. You are invited to email your manners questions to her and she will respond as time and space allow. You may contact her at youarepolite1@gmail.com.
