by Ginger Philbrick
I have a friend who, when we eat out with friends and family, has consistently said he is not interested in appetizers; he just wants to go straight to ordering dinners! My suspicion is that it has more about the money than it is appetite or enjoying the whole dinner process.
But guess who is the first one to dive in to those appetizers others have ordered. I find that so irritating and rude and now I have succumbed to a position I dislike in myself. I will discreetly and jokingly say to my friend, “ok then, you aren’t eating any appetizers right?” Or as he is savoring others’ wonderful appetizers, “I thought you didn’t want any???” I also have ordered a couple of appetizers, choosing one I know he will like. Am I wrong? Or is this inconsiderate and rude behavior on the part of my friend?
Appetizer Lover, Lancaster
Dear Appetizer Lover, you are certainly right that your friend is exhibiting rude behavior. He is taking advantage of what you obviously consider a valued friendship, despite his lack of manners. I find your resorting to ordering an appetizer he likes amazingly generous.
However, the situation is irritating enough for you to write about it, and so it’s time to take a deep breath and face the problem head on. Having good manners, or being polite, doesn’t mean being so nice and selfless that we become the often referred to doormat, allowing others to continue to step on our feelings. It sometimes means that we have enough respect for our relationship with another to tell them, honestly and kindly, when their behavior has negatively affected us.
You have tried sarcasm and a partially direct approach, neither of which has apparently brought about the desired effect. The next time you approach your friend, or he approaches you, with a suggestion for dinner together, let him know you enjoy his company, but that you don’t enjoy sharing your appetizers. Tell him, in a serious and straightforward manner, that it is okay every now and then, but it would be especially enjoyable if he would order one to share, too.
Here’s hoping, Appetizer Lover, that whether you choose the Rappahannock oysters, fig and prosciutto bruschetta, or cheese sampler, you and your friend share the joy—and the expense—of future first courses!
Hmmm, I believe it’s time for my lunch…
