by Ginger Philbrick
There was no jury, but had there been one, the idea that it is okay to bring an unrequested dish to a dinner party would have been thrown off the table!
After my request in my last column that readers send me their opinion on that subject, every response I received, both in writing and orally, expressed the opinion that hosts do not appreciate having to deal with an unexpected menu item.
These comments were excerpted from emails and conversations directly related to the question.
“When a guest shows up with an unrequested dish it takes the focus off of the dish I’ve prepared. I am annoyed.”
“I had it happen once and made the mistake of serving the unasked-for dish, and it ruined my plans and mood for the rest of the evening. I won’t do that again.”
“I only once had someone bring an unexpected dish and nobody ate it. I felt terrible.”
“It’s hard to imagine why anyone who has themselves carefully planned a dinner party would ever assume a rogue dish would be welcomed.”
There were two additional comments about handling dinner offerings.
“If I am just having an informal dinner gathering with friends, an extra dish doesn’t bother me. However, if I have spent time planning something more formal, such as a theme party or a birthday event, I do not welcome an addition.”
“If a guest asks, I might suggest they bring an appetizer, dessert or a beverage. I ask them to let me know what it will be so that there are no big surprises.”
There also were the following related peeves expressed by hostesses:
• Guests who don’t fully prepare the food they offered to bring before they come, and then announce they need to use the oven.
• Guests who assume it is okay to assemble the appetizer ingredients on the kitchen counter when it could have been prepared at home.
• Guests who bring cut flowers that require finding the right vase and a good place to display them when the hostess is busy greeting other guests and tending to the meal.
• One hostess prefers that guests don’t help clean up in the kitchen, saying she wants them to just keep enjoying the party. Interestingly, another reader was offended when none of the 10 guests at her party offered to lift a finger. Obviously, the best thing to do is ask!
My thanks to all who contributed their thoughts, opinions and experiences. I close with what I thought is a seasoned hostess’s brilliant response to a well-meaning, yet perhaps thoughtless, guest who brings an unexpected dish to the dinner party. She thanks them and then remarks, “How nice it will be for us later.”
Ginger Philbrick is the owner of Because You Are Polite LLC. You are invited to email your manners questions to her and she will respond as time and space allow. You may contact her at youarepolite1@gmail.com.
