We have neighbors who have been our friends for over 10 years. We frequently have dinner in each other’s homes and we often help each other. One day the husband called me, asking to come over to discuss a community issue. He was of course invited to come. When he left, there had been no controversy between us, being in complete agreement on the issue.
Shortly after he left, I noticed he’d left his jacket in our home. I then drove to his home to return it. Upon his answering the door, I handed him his jacket, to which he simply replied, “We are having dinner and I can’t invite you in.” I responded, “of course,” and then left. What am I missing?
John, Irvington
John, we have all experienced them—those abrupt remarks that feel like undeserved slaps in the face. Often we accept them with stunned grace as you did, but we soon begin wondering “what just happened there?”
We will never know what might have been happening behind that unwelcoming front door. Did the jacket owner feel his home was too much of a mess to suggest you come in for a moment? Had there been a heated discussion going on between your friend and his dinner mate when the doorbell rang? Perhaps they were having liver and onions, a questionable meal to share. It is not possible for us to know why such rudeness occurred, but we do know that your benevolence deserved a more affable greeting.
If only the jacket owner had understood the importance of what are called Conversation Softeners. These are ways to express ourselves so that what may seem less sociable without them is made more palatable and respectful. Examples are:
• “I am so sorry, but…..”
• “I understand what you are saying, however…”
• “You may be right, I just….”
• “I wish I could…..”
• “Could we look at it this way…?
• “I regret that at this time….”
There are many, many more.
I do hope, John, that the next verbal interchange between you and your friend is more pleasant and that you can chalk that hurtful situation up to a momentary lapse of civility, which needs to be forgiven.
By the way, a favorite Conversation Softener in times past was “bless your heart” or “bless his heart.” An example of its usage is, “You are doing that all wrong even though heaven knows I have tried to show you the correct way a thousand times, bless your heart.”
I think, however, we should no longer depend on that as a softener; today, even the dullest person would understand we most likely don’t really mean it.
Ginger Philbrick is the owner of Because You Are Polite LLC. You are invited to email your manners questions to her and she will respond as time and space allow. You may contact her at youarepolite1@gmail.com.