Our grandson is getting married this fall. His father and mother are divorced and have each remarried. I am hosting a bridal shower and my son’s current wife has told me that she doesn’t want the ex-wife to attend and will refuse to come if she does! The bride will surely include both of her future mothers-in-laws on the guest list. How can I handle this situation?
Distressed Granny
Unfortunately, stepparents have been given horribly tarnished reputations for generations. Snow White, Cinderella and Hansel and Gretel all had one whose cruelty made us gasp. And there have been other human ones who have made headlines for their harsh treatment of their stepchildren.
However, being one myself, I am going to stand up for those of us who are far greater in number and who have taken the time and given their heart to making what is often called a blended family truly harmonious. Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, we can’t mold everyone into a Brady Bunch. But—and I am going to use that controversial word “should” here—we should never willfully be the cause of discord. It seems that in the situation in which you find yourself, Distressed Granny, the new wife does not understand the far-reaching importance of her divisive pronouncement.
Although you have written for advice, I venture to say you innately know what the right thing to do is. Simply stated, the groom is your grandson and Etiquette directs that his mother be given deference over his stepmother both in shower invitations and in receiving lines.
It seems as though the stepmother in this situation has sealed her fate and will miss out on an opportunity to bring peace to what is seemingly a tense situation. Of course, the correct and gracious thing to do is to abide by the bride’s wishes for the guest list, inviting the stepmother and thereby not only acknowledging the bride’s wish to include her but also giving her the chance to change her mind and be, selflessly, a participant in honoring her new stepdaughter.
Meanwhile, I’m imagining silly games, cake and a whole lot of joy!
Ginger Philbrick is the owner of Because You Are Polite LLC. You are invited to email your manners questions to her and she will respond as time and space allow. You may contact her at youarepolite1@gmail.com.
