The bitter cold weather we have been experiencing this winter has influenced a nice couple we know to lay plans to move to Florida. My Good Wife and I are saddened by the thought of their departure, and we offered to assist them in any way we could. They told us that they were thinking of selling the house themselves to save on paying a realtor’s commission. They asked if I would write a mock-up of an ad for them to publish in the newspaper.
I told them that I had no expertise in such writing, but that I would be pleased to give it a try, with the understanding that no hard feelings would exist on my part should they decide not to use my composition. They were most grateful. The following is a transcript of what I wrote for them.
*****
Outstanding Home In Prestigious Neighborhood
Modern three-bedroom home being sold in excellent as-is condition. Limited damage due to previous termite infestation, which is warranted not to recur within the next 30 days. Hardly any evidence of presence of mice. Exterminator on verge of issuing a bond assuring freedom from rats as soon as last six are gone for at least two weeks. Radon gas emissions slightly below moderate standard of concern.
House constructed with less than 50% exposed asbestos, all of which is both attractively maintained and of significant decorative value. Crime in area is appreciably down from earlier levels; area has passed from “highly dangerous” to “moderately dangerous.” Vicious neighborhood dogs now chained with extra-durable tight-knit ropes that cannot readily be chewed in two by dogs with long canine teeth. Starling infestation on roof virtually eliminated.
No signs of serious structural damage from recent earth tremors other than innocuous hairline fissures in foundation walls which have not enlarged for over three days. Birdwatchers and Recyclers take note: Delightful natural setting with abundant dead trees currently being used as regional habitat for turkey buzzards, some days numbering as many as 50, an additional reason for decline of rat population. Droppings have been proven to be a superb source of fertilizer for house plants.
Conveniently located in proximity to town dump, aka Solid Waste Recycling Center, thereby affording the opportunity to stroll there with one’s garbage, thus saving on gas and car mileage. Almost negligible smoke and water damage from recent fire and flood, expenses for which insurance company has assured will be reimbursed prior to year’s end. Neighboring town imposing new regulations on odor and other emissions from local sludge lagoon over ¼ mile away.
A truly delightful home with enormous potential to become a genuine show place!
*****
At the end of the copy, I included our friends’ cell phone numbers and email addresses in order for prospective homebuyers to be able to reach them to schedule appointments to see the home. I cautioned our friends not to be discouraged or offended by snide remarks some insensitive prospective buyers might make, which could be alleviated in advance by boiling a jar of cinnamon sticks on the stove, always a sure way to refresh the ambience of a dwelling.
When I gave our friends the printout of the ad, I asked if I could be of any further service to them. As soon as the wife had finished reading my script, she immediately replied, “Yes. Could you suggest the names of five reputable realtors whom we could consult and interview?” Well, I tried. She added that they would not need my assistance in buying their new home in Florida, but she did invite us to visit next winter.
